The Difference You've Made

Tonight, at the funeral wake of a successful, beloved young man, his mother asked me about you, and your arrival in this crazy, bittersweet, beautiful world.  Your being has already made a difference.

It really has...I love and miss you JSS!

You've Got This

I spent the last 16 days by your side, watching as you labored positively and birthed your son bravely.  It was an honor to witness the raw you, the real you, in serious and tough and tender moments.

And now you've given your Jacob to the world, to all of us who love him so much, with your tireless efforts and watchful eye.  You've got this...you have educated and prepared yourself, and have a trusted circle of new mamas to lean on.   And I'm nearby. 245 miles is nothin'.  And even though I will miss our midnight snacks and pre-dawn diatribes about children's rights and society's responsibilities, and our sweet talks about a parent's role in the way a child experiences life, I will roll over at night, thanking God for your devotion to my Grandson, thanking God for the gift of you.

Jacob Steil Special

I've been away from home for nearly two weeks - heavily involved in welcoming my first grandchild - a boy - into the world. It's been such an honor, to have a front row seat during these early days of his life.  He is perfection and I'm finally able to see that for what it is - a grandmother's love. 

I probably hold him too much.  I know it's harder on me (and his mama) than him when he cries.  I'm spending some time trying to discern his cries, what they mean, how I can help.  I love him so much.

I like the night shift:  the house is quiet, I feel my efforts have value because others can sleep, I get quiet snuggles and, every day, a better understanding of who this perfect little human being actually is, and a better understanding of who I am, too.

Waiting

Christmas is coming...and it's around April 3 this year!

Kate begins her 38th week and I'm beginning to pace. 

She has created and completed her lengthy pre-baby checklist and is perfectly poised for what's coming.  Me?  I'm not exactly sure how to get ready.  I'm obsessively topping off my gas tank and phone battery, not sure at all that I will be prepared for the call, which is relatively minor, considering the bigger call - becoming a grandmother!

We spent this past weekend doing noisy and dusty renovations in the lower level of the Special home, all in advance of the really big excitement ahead.  The best part of of the weekend was feeling baby move...and kick!

It's really amazing.  We will meet someone very beloved, very soon.  And I will experience my girl in a new way, a new light, soon, too.

I'm hoping she enjoys her firstborn as much as I have.

March 8

So here it is again - March 8 - and I remember the life of my friend Phyllis.

She was my mother-in-law, who, near the end of her life and, also, my dying marriage, encouraged me to break off, to seek happiness, to build my life away from her son, to start anew.

On March 8, I think of my loss and feel the promise of Spring.  All in the same day.

She taught me things that a parent just can't.  Unconditional love from a near stranger is quite the gift.  Her imperfection was offset by her abundant care.  And I hope that maybe, just maybe, I have assumed some of that goodness and can pass it on.  

We had many long talks and walks with the children, when they were young and I was confused.  We would get outside, in the light.  I'd grab the stroller and she would get her smokes.  I found comfort in our easy friendship.

Now, so much clearer, and older, I try to contribute more than I criticize, to feel the wholehearted wonder of the outside, to feel the magic of generosity, to choose my life with intention, to help others find their own worthiness.

I stand up and believe in my own sweet life, and I miss her a little less when I'm like that.

You already have my enduring love.

Predicted to launch in early April...the Apple Watch is highly anticipated by tech savvy consumers and gadget lovers, for sure!  And my love gave me a $400 Apple Store gift card to order one.

But I'm waiting for a much bigger development...a phenomenon also expected in early 2015, and one that promises to surpass all that technology nonsense.  

I will soon have the gift of a grandchild. 

I will soon become a grandmother.  I will move...up (out? over?  down?) a generation.  

Thirty years ago, I did not think much about what motherhood would do to my life, and it changed everything.  I was ill-prepared, overwhelmed, and instantly in love with all of it.

And now, well, I'm at the threshold of my daughter's door, ready to help, poised for grand mothering, and I'm wondering...will I know what to do?  Will I take to it so quickly?  So completely? 

I learned many, many things in my early years of mothering, mostly joy, and how to really, constantly, put others first. God's presence was an overnight epiphany.  As the children came, my confidence did, and I grew to believe my own voice, and trust my heart and soul.  I was needed, I was important, and I took to these heady feelings like new friends.

So 2015.  I'm waiting for April - not a gadget, phase or fad.  This is a being, a loved one, a family member we've yet to meet. Someone whose very presence will change the way I see the world, again. 

I'm dreaming about Baby Special.  Headbands, bow ties...grandson or granddaughter - I am awaiting my turn to give love to this child I will soon know, soon enjoy, soon indulge, soon help lead through this beautiful, crazy world. 

I may order the Apple Watch (do grandmothers wear things that cool?), but its glitter will fade, an update may break it, and I will eventually misplace it.  

My grandchild is launching in April, too, and I'm already standing in line, ready to love, waiting for the really big arrival, the huge surprise, the everlasting bond, the Special news.    

My firstborn, baby Special's mama, Kate.

My dear Katharine Jeanne

This pretty much sums up August 1984.

Lent 2015

I'm going to pay attention to this calendar for the next six weeks.  This could be more useful - to me and others - than giving up my daily chocolate or nightly wine:

Key:  P = Prayer, F=Fasting, S=Service.