Relationship Repair

When we attended a Gottman workshop last summer, we learned that relationship conflict is inevitable (if you don't have any conflict, are you even engaged or sharing your true feelings?).  It's what you DO after the initial conflict that can set the tone for a good repair, and a good relationship - and you guessed it, sweeping it under the rug isn't a healthy option.  Here are a few phrases that can help:

Home Court Advantage

Happy Holidays!


My eye caught an inbox article on how to maintain weight during the holidays...many interesting tips, such as:  instead of declaring "I won't eat any cookies during the holidays!" you might decide "I won't eat any cookies today!"  It's basically an AA mindset.  Avoid the sugar, the salt, the fat...just for today. 


There is also this from MyFitnessPal:
Tighten your home court...eliminate unintentional and totally not-worth-it splurges.
That’s why during the holidays it is more important than ever to lean on your Home Court Habits to keep you on track.  Your HCH are things that make your life awesome (right?). If you have enough impactful habits, you should normally be able to get away with doing “most of them, most of the time” and maintain your weight and health.  During the holidays make sure to maintain as many HCH as possible, and do “all of them, most of the time.”  This is the best possible thing you can use your willpower on during the holidays.

The National WWII Museum

We visited the National WWII Museum and were riveted. We both spent considerable time looking at the artifacts from the world through the lens of knowing that our fathers both served. Shawn's dad served in the European Theatre in the Army Air Corps and my dad served in the Pacific Theatre as a navy guy, aboard an LST. It was a moving afternoon and, with our first cold beer in the French Quarter after our visit, we toasted their courage and sacrifice.

NOLA!

We landed in the Big Easy, that Mississippi River port town, Nawlins, known for spicy cuisine, jazz, and the fun of the French Quarter.  It's so obvious that the city has a rich history and is a melting pot of French, African, and American cultures.  

The last time I visited NOLA, it was 2009 (with Kate, for her 25th and my 50th) and not much has changed. Bourbon Street is mildly interesting for a few hours, but is still raunchy, stinky, and visited by inebriated tourists. We went to Pat O'Brien's and ordered the famous Hurricane. For dinner we had jambalaya, gumbo, red beans and shrimp creole. In the morning, we ran by the Mississippi River and then dined on beignets at the famous Café du Monde. It was a fun 24 hours but we were ready to bid adieu when it was time to go!

Privacy? Or Secrecy? Oh Please!

There's a big difference between privacy and secrecy and ancient conversations about how even married people deserve their right to privacy.  And yes, yes, we do!

Privacy is what you might want somewhere in your house, say maybe when you are trying on a pair of pants that you know won't slide over those big-boned hips of yours.  Privacy is for bathroom business, birthday gifts, imminent surprises, that kind of thing.

Secrecy is something else entirely.  If you cover your internet tracks so your spouse doesn't know where you have virtually visited, or don't share your mobile pass codes so your spouse can't access your texts or emails or videos, consider this your warning to rethink those habits.  Maybe it's just a pair of shoes or tool you purchased and you have just "forgotten" to tell your partner about it.  Maybe it's your fears, your feelings, your friends, your fantasies.

What are you hiding?  Why aren't you sharing with the person you have chosen as your life mate? If these questions bother you, it may be important that you invade that space, in your head. Nothing good comes if you choose this road; this dishonesty will only grow and can lead you down a very painful path.  There is no intimacy where dishonesty exists.

Love Maps

We spent the last two days of July in Seattle, at a Gottman workshop called "The Art and Science of Love".  Their marketing blurb included a comment about helping distressed marriages get better and helping good marriages get great.

I'm going to start at the beginning and remind you that every marriage, er, committed partnership, needs tending.  We know that about our businesses, about our work, about our households...but way too many marrieds behave like once the rice is swept away and the wedding is over, the marriage can just be; it can just cruise.  We were reminded, at Gottman, to put our whole heart into our marital relationship, the way most of us put our whole heart into loving our children.

One of the first exercises, on the first day, involved Building Love Maps.  What's that? Shocker...it involves asking questions, and encourages you to keep asking questions, every day.  They jokingly said in a serious way that listening builds libido.

Do you really KNOW your spouse's world?  Does he/she know yours?  Maybe there's knowledge about how you take your Starbuck's, your idea about the ideal a/c temp, but does your partner know your stressors, your goals, your key players? 

These are the things that matter.  These are the things that connect you, and without these love maps, the path ahead is treacherous.  Failure to to connect is the reason people argue.  Failure to connect is the reason people split (it's not issues over money, sex, and in-laws as popular culture tells us).  

As John Gottman said:  "There's no mystery.  It's really simple, but you've got to do it!"

Twenty Minutes

One of the recent takeaways I had from the Gottman workshop we attended a few days ago...

 

Don't miss an opportunity to connect with your partner, ever.  How do you do that?  Make sure you have a daily, current glimpse into their inner world.  You might wonder...as I did at first...who's got time for that?

 

It's easier than you might think.  First, you need to set aside twenty minutes every day, hopefully near the same time of day everyday to encourage the ritual.  Then, spend 10 minutes as the listener and 10 minutes as the speaker, affording your partner the opposite role.  Now...what do you talk about?  Three things...it's that easy...or that complex, depending on how engaged you are:

1.  What's the best thing that happened to you today?

2.  What's the worst thing that happened to you today?

3. What are you looking forward to tomorrow?

Try it for a week or a little longer, a lifetime.  You're welcome.