Waiting

Christmas is coming...and it's around April 3 this year!

Kate begins her 38th week and I'm beginning to pace. 

She has created and completed her lengthy pre-baby checklist and is perfectly poised for what's coming.  Me?  I'm not exactly sure how to get ready.  I'm obsessively topping off my gas tank and phone battery, not sure at all that I will be prepared for the call, which is relatively minor, considering the bigger call - becoming a grandmother!

We spent this past weekend doing noisy and dusty renovations in the lower level of the Special home, all in advance of the really big excitement ahead.  The best part of of the weekend was feeling baby move...and kick!

It's really amazing.  We will meet someone very beloved, very soon.  And I will experience my girl in a new way, a new light, soon, too.

I'm hoping she enjoys her firstborn as much as I have.

March 8

So here it is again - March 8 - and I remember the life of my friend Phyllis.

She was my mother-in-law, who, near the end of her life and, also, my dying marriage, encouraged me to break off, to seek happiness, to build my life away from her son, to start anew.

On March 8, I think of my loss and feel the promise of Spring.  All in the same day.

She taught me things that a parent just can't.  Unconditional love from a near stranger is quite the gift.  Her imperfection was offset by her abundant care.  And I hope that maybe, just maybe, I have assumed some of that goodness and can pass it on.  

We had many long talks and walks with the children, when they were young and I was confused.  We would get outside, in the light.  I'd grab the stroller and she would get her smokes.  I found comfort in our easy friendship.

Now, so much clearer, and older, I try to contribute more than I criticize, to feel the wholehearted wonder of the outside, to feel the magic of generosity, to choose my life with intention, to help others find their own worthiness.

I stand up and believe in my own sweet life, and I miss her a little less when I'm like that.

You already have my enduring love.

Predicted to launch in early April...the Apple Watch is highly anticipated by tech savvy consumers and gadget lovers, for sure!  And my love gave me a $400 Apple Store gift card to order one.

But I'm waiting for a much bigger development...a phenomenon also expected in early 2015, and one that promises to surpass all that technology nonsense.  

I will soon have the gift of a grandchild. 

I will soon become a grandmother.  I will move...up (out? over?  down?) a generation.  

Thirty years ago, I did not think much about what motherhood would do to my life, and it changed everything.  I was ill-prepared, overwhelmed, and instantly in love with all of it.

And now, well, I'm at the threshold of my daughter's door, ready to help, poised for grand mothering, and I'm wondering...will I know what to do?  Will I take to it so quickly?  So completely? 

I learned many, many things in my early years of mothering, mostly joy, and how to really, constantly, put others first. God's presence was an overnight epiphany.  As the children came, my confidence did, and I grew to believe my own voice, and trust my heart and soul.  I was needed, I was important, and I took to these heady feelings like new friends.

So 2015.  I'm waiting for April - not a gadget, phase or fad.  This is a being, a loved one, a family member we've yet to meet. Someone whose very presence will change the way I see the world, again. 

I'm dreaming about Baby Special.  Headbands, bow ties...grandson or granddaughter - I am awaiting my turn to give love to this child I will soon know, soon enjoy, soon indulge, soon help lead through this beautiful, crazy world. 

I may order the Apple Watch (do grandmothers wear things that cool?), but its glitter will fade, an update may break it, and I will eventually misplace it.  

My grandchild is launching in April, too, and I'm already standing in line, ready to love, waiting for the really big arrival, the huge surprise, the everlasting bond, the Special news.    

My firstborn, baby Special's mama, Kate.

My dear Katharine Jeanne

This pretty much sums up August 1984.

Lent 2015

I'm going to pay attention to this calendar for the next six weeks.  This could be more useful - to me and others - than giving up my daily chocolate or nightly wine:

Key:  P = Prayer, F=Fasting, S=Service.

Sentimental Saturday

The Gambia

You are on your way now...you're in command.  Three continents...one day.

I tried to convince you to let this one pass you by, that going on a two-week mission to Western Africa, was something someone else could do.

But, while patient with me, you never wavered - I want to do this, this is no big deal, this is a great opportunity, an honor, there will be more of this, you said.

So off you go to the capital city, consulting and training, meeting with Gambia's Janet Yellen, representing an organization that's business it is to send its employees to distant places.

What have I packed for this trip while you're gone?

1.  Serenity prayer and my sustaining faith
2.  Others who love you
3.  Several bottles of red
4.  Season 3 of Homeland
5.  WiFi- hope you write, or post, or tweet

"You live inside your parents' lives until, one day, they live inside yours."

~ Donia Bijan, Maman's Homesick Pie: A Persian Heart in an American Kitchen

Goodbye, good time Florida!

Today we visited Siesta Key Beach - unanimously voted by travel experts as the #1 beach in the USA - I'd agree!  Powder sugar sand, miles of green blue sea accompanied by wide, clean beaches. Yes, a bit sleepy - just the way we like it.  If you need a slurpee, you can't get one at Siesta Key - but if you need some zen - it's there.  Later, we drove the neighborhoods of Sarasota and Bradenton, eventually finding our way to St. Pete's Beach - also very cool for walking, although more ground up shells to dodge (and even a bit more remote, taking more effort to visit - more tolls, but scenic, fabulous bridges).   A bagpipe musician was playing and I captured his music -  touching!  Hands down - Siesta Key is our favorite!

I wasn't thrilled about our plan to vacation in Florida...it seemed so ordinary when we were planning our trip.  I knew I'd enjoy the getaway, but I underestimated how beautiful and serene the natural landscape is, how exotic the wildlife is, how much (in other, less obvious ways) it reminds me of the Midwest.  Our peers live there, to be sure.  We talked with lots of people just like us - their hearts belong to loved ones elsewhere but the calm, easygoing life in sunny southern Florida is compelling to all of us, we agreed.

Tomorrow?  Cedar Rapids!